Why Do I Feel So Overwhelmed With My Newborn?

There are moments in those first few weeks with a newborn when you can feel completely overwhelmed by things that, before having a baby, would have seemed ridiculously small.

What should I eat?

Should I shower now or try to sleep?

Does the baby need feeding again?

Should I put the washing on?

Do I need to change them?

Should I wake my partner?

What am I supposed to do today?

And sometimes it isn't even one big thing that's getting to you.

It's everything.

The baby needs you. Your body is recovering. You're exhausted. Your house doesn't look how you'd like it to. You haven't eaten properly. You've got messages you haven't replied to. Someone has asked if you need anything and you haven't got the faintest idea what to say.

And then you realise you've spent ten minutes standing in the kitchen wondering what you should eat.

This is where decision fatigue can start to creep in.

You might not realise how many decisions you're making

Having a newborn means making decisions all day long.

Some are tiny.

Some feel much bigger.

When should I feed them? Should I wake them? Should I try to settle them? Is this normal? Do they need another layer? Should I go out? Should I stay home? Should I accept that visitor? Should I ask for help? What do I need help with?

And because you're doing this while you're sleep deprived and learning something you've never done before, even simple decisions can suddenly feel enormous.

You haven't got your usual capacity.

You're learning your baby's cues. You're learning what their different cries mean. You're learning how to feed them, settle them, change them and get through the night.

And your baby can't exactly turn around and tell you what they need.

You're trying to work it all out as you go.

No wonder your brain feels full.

Sometimes “I don't know” is the problem

This is something I really want new mums to hear.

If someone says, “What do you need?”

And you think, “I don't know.”

That doesn't mean you don't need help.

It doesn't mean you're doing badly.

And it doesn't mean you should be able to cope better.

You might simply be so overwhelmed that you don't have the mental space to work out what would actually make things easier.

Which is why I loved the idea we talked about last week of having people around you who don't always wait for you to ask.

Because sometimes you don't need someone to say, “Let me know if you need anything.”

You need someone to say, “I'm coming over. I'll bring lunch and I'll put the washing on.”

That's one less decision.

One less thing to organise.

One less thing to think about.

So how can you make those days feel a little easier?

I'm not going to tell you that you can completely eliminate decision fatigue.

You've just had a baby. There are going to be a LOT of decisions.

But you can make some of them before you're exhausted.

This is where a little bit of preparation can be incredibly helpful.

Think about the decisions you find yourself making repeatedly.

Food: What can I eat quickly? What snacks can I have beside the sofa? What can I take out of the freezer?

Rest: Where can I lie down? What do I need beside me? Can someone else take the baby while I close my eyes?

Practical stuff: What do I constantly need upstairs? What do I constantly need downstairs? Could I have a little station ready so I'm not constantly getting up?

Support: Who can I message? Who can bring food? Who can do a school run? Who can come over without expecting to be entertained?

And perhaps most importantly:

What decisions can somebody else make for me?

Because postpartum preparation isn't just about buying everything the baby needs.

It's also about making life easier for you.

You don't have to have it all figured out

I think there's a lot of pressure on new mums to know what they're doing.

But you're learning.

You're learning your baby.

You're learning your new body.

You're learning how your days work now.

You're learning how to function on broken sleep.

And you're learning all of this while your brain is already carrying a ridiculous amount of information.

So if you find yourself thinking, Why am I finding this so overwhelming? Everyone else seems to manage, please remember that you're not failing because you can't make a decision about what to have for lunch.

Sometimes your brain is simply saying:

I've got enough to think about right now.

And that's okay.

The answer isn't necessarily to become better at making decisions.

Sometimes the answer is to remove some decisions altogether.

Prepare the food.

Put the snacks where you can reach them.

Create the little stations.

Write down the people you can call.

Let someone else decide what dinner is.

Accept the help.

And if someone asks you what you need and you genuinely don't know, you can say:

“I don't know. I'm really overwhelmed. Can you just help me with something?”

You don't need to have the perfect answer.

You just need to let someone in.

Meet Amy

Hi if you havn’t met me yet I am Amy a Birth and Postnatal Doula, I am out here supporting families all different shapes and sizes surriunding West and South London as well as Surrey and Kent. I have virtual and in person support. If you feel you need more support maybe a chat about the postnantal world then book a call or send me an email and I would love to have a chat with you.